I remember when I was 17, my parents saved enough money to let me go to Europe for my Graduation gift. (Thanks, Dad and Mom!) There's a picture of me in my photo album from that trip, (YES, that was when we actually printed out pictures and created an entire book for an event) and I remember thinking when I looked at it, "Wow. I look fat." There I was in a bikini, at age 17 and I weighed 135 lbs. I Look fat??? Are you kidding me? Part of me wishes I would have known that I was then the thinnest I would be for the next 18 years....
However, it got me thinking. When I was gaining weight through my 20's, it never seemed as bad as it was. Every photo taken of me, I would notice the pooch of my stomach or the rolls over the side of my pants. I always thought "Ugh. I look fat." It didn't matter if I was 135 lbs or 275 lbs pregnant. I always looked big in my mind. So was it since I always looked fat, why didn't I realize how BIG I was truly getting? Did I have a distorted image of how I really looked?
I didn't put on 115 lbs over just a few years. It took 15 years for me to add that to my frame. WHY didn't I see it? Was it so gradual that I never noticed it? Cause let me tell you, I look back now at that photo of me when I was 17 and think, "DAMN! I look GOOOOOD." Why wasn't I happy then?
Even worse and I hate to admit this, but there have been instances I have been secretly happy when other people I knew gained weight. Other times I was extremely jealous of people who lost weight, wishing it were me. Isn't that AWFUL? People have told me as I continue to lose weight, other people will tell me. "You look too thin" or "You need to stop losing weight". Is that their jealousy? Is it their insecurities? Did I ever say that to someone? Surely, there's gotta be some part of me who can just be happy?
Thinking back, there's has never been a time in my life when I have been 100% happy with my weight. Isn't that sad? I've always wanted to look better or be thinner. I truly want to be happy with myself and there's a part of me that is fearful I may never be satisfied with my appearance. However, I am certainly on my way and trying. Right now, I look at pictures, like one of me taken last week at a work even and think, "I look better, but I am not there....yet". This whole process of losing weight is HARD, it's REALLY hard. It's frustrating and it's a daily battle to make the right choices. All my little changes are adding up and they're making me a different person. It just takes time.
It's already been 1 year. A year of life change and realizations. I'm happier now, but not completely satisfied. As my weight loss has slowed down, I have picked up my workouts. I've been doing 3 times per week the last month and this week I've added a Wed workout. Doing Just Dance - Greatest Hits. It's incredible! It's the workout of Zumba but to really fun songs! I was definitely jamming to "I've got the Power" by Snap. Very fun! I highly recommend.
Here's hoping you look in the mirror today and like what you see, but if you don't, do something about it. Don't blame others, don't get jealous, don't start a journey for anyone, but do it for YOU. Let's take these distorted images away, replace them with a smiling face, and get back to, "DAMN, I look GOOOOOD!"
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